A Non-Violent Conference

A Non-Violent Conference

We all know by now that the President can’t say radical Islam, or Islamic terror. It’s reminiscent of Fonzie attempting to say that he was sorry. It comes out all mumbled and garbled. “Radical Ishzzz… Ishlammic trrrerr… Radicaaaaa Ishlammmaca…”. So instead, President Obama has convened a conference on “violent extremism.” You probably didn’t hear much about it because none of the culprits of Islamic terror were there. Had they been, everyone would now be dead.

I can only guess that the President brought in members of groups that continue to be a real problem all around the globe. The Buddhists from Burma; Hindus of India; the ever-growing sect of evil Mormons from Salt Lake; a few hippies from the Castro district; some Occupy Wall Street-ers from New York; a handful of KKK members from Alabama; Jews from the Holy Land; some Evangelicals from North Carolina, and a couple of teens from Minnesota who are on their way to Yemen for some reason. Probably looking for global warming.

Missing in action were Canadians, which is good because I hate hockey. Oh, wow! Just like that, a couple of guys showed up and are ready to drop the gloves. Easy, hosers. Settle down.

The President began the meeting in his usual stoic manner.

“We have gathered here today in Washington, Washington, Washington…can someone fix the teleprompter? Washington, D.C., in an effort to really focus on how to combat violent extremism. First, however, can I get any of you some coffee? Sorry about that, my friends from Utah. Forgot you were even here! Sure loved that Book of Mormon! You guys are a riot.

Speaking of riots, what’s going on, Occupiers? How’s the job search going? You know, you can’t go to school forever. This isn’t France. At least, not yet, it isn’t! Put the chair down – this isn’t Starbuck’s either!

Now, the purpose of this get-together is to try and put our differences aside and deal with things in a non-violent way. You know, the way all of you do already, only more so. We need the Hindus and Mormons to reach deep down inside and come up with a way to be even less violent then they already are. If the Buddhists and the Jews can let hundreds of years of being at each other’s throats go by the wayside, we can make real progress in their development as peaceful religions.

Hold on. Sorry for the interruption, buddies, my cellphone is ringing. That was the Supreme Leader of Iran asking me where his invite to this party was. I told him to go hang a few homosexuals, put the veil on every female he can see, lock up some protestors, send some rockets to Hamas and Hezbollah, and call me back in an hour!

Now where was I…yes, Becky from Durham, was about to ask a question. Go ahead, Becky.”

“Can you please tell the Vice President to get his hands off of me?”

“Sure thing. Joe, Joe. Not now. Why don’t you go outside, Joe, and we’ll call you back in when this is all over?

Now, it’s time for some of you to tell me what your gripe is. And we have to be open to whatever it is that’s upsetting you and the people you represent. Let’s start with the two fellas from Alabama. Now, I understand you’re not fans of mine at all, and that you are members of the local branch of the KKK.”

“My name is Jeff Sessions and this is Richard Shelby. We’re Senators from Alabama Mr. President, not members of the KKK.”

“You don’t agree with much of what I do, correct?”

“That is correct, Mr. President.”

“Racists. Grand Wizard Sessions, you obviously disagree with me because of the color of my skin.”

“I disagree with you because you have been wrong on every major policy, domestic or foreign, in your 6 years in office.”

“You mean to tell me that it has nothing to do with me being black?”

“No, sir.”

“Well then, what do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?”

“What, Mr. President?”

“The NBA! Thanks for coming, guys. See, this is how progress is made. These two were staunch members of the KKK just minutes ago, and now they’re sitting here laughing and having a good time. Who’s next?

Ok, how about Medhansh. Medhansh? I think the prompter is broken again. What is Medhansh?”

It means ‘born with intelligence’ in Hindu, Mr. President.”

“Well, I’ll be a monkeys uncle. Don’t laugh, Senators! Now, what is on your mind, Medhansh?”

“Sir, Hinduism is based on a concept known as dharma. The essence of dharma is the distinction between good, supporting the cosmic order, and evil, which poses a threat to this order. Accordingly, the preservation of good at the cost of a war was justified in ancient Vedic society. However, unlike the Christian concept of ‘crusade’ or ‘bellum justissimum’ and its counterpart, ‘Jihad’ in Islam, there is no justification in Hinduism for any war against foreigners or people of other faiths.”

“I love Tikka Masala. Throw in a little Nan bread, now that’s a meal. Let’s give it up for Medhansh. Well said. No war against foreigners or people of other faiths…especially Muslims. Nicely put, Medhansh.

You two in the back, how can I help you? Put your shoes back on, and come on up to the mic.”

“My name is Alla Zurabi and I am from St. Paul, and this is my brother, Jimmy. We’re on our way to Yemen to fight a Holy War.”

“Yemen? Well, you sure picked a good spot for that! Be careful over there. Some ISIL or ISIS, hold on a second—Earnest, is it ISIL or ISIS? ISIL? Thanks!—there are some guys from ISIL over there who might not like you because you’re American.”

“We’re going there to fight on behalf of the Almighty…”

“Now, now, hold on. Everyone gets a turn here. But thanks for coming, guys. Safe travels.” Let’s hear from some of my buddies. I mean, Buddhists. What’s going on in Tibet these days?”

“Mr. President, China continues to be very aggressive towards us in Tibet. We believe that the only way to combat their aggression is to have you lead a boycott on goods that are made in China and sold here in America. It’s as non-violent an approach as one can have and is fully supported by the Dalai Lama.”

“And put Walmart out of business? Don’t see that happening. But good luck with that. I think it’s a grand idea, as I’m not a fan of Walmart. But there is a price to pay for human rights violations. If we can continue to get plastic fake crocs for a buck, then human rights be damned! Give my best to the Dalai!

I think that’s going to wrap things up…”

“Mr. President, what about..”

“Before we go, I think…”


“we should put on the table what…”

“Mr. President, you have forgotten about the Jews.”

“we are prepared to do if and when…”

“Iran gets a nuclear bomb?”

“No. Why would you ask me that? Iran has assured me they have no interest in nuclear power for anything but energy. Get over yourself, Israel. You’re lucky I even invited you here. I was going to say, before Bibi rudely interrupted me, was we need to ask ourselves what we are prepared to do when we feel like getting violent. Here are my suggestions:

The Mormon-folk can boycott Walmart.. heck, you have a friend in the Buddhists, they’ll gladly boycott as well. The Occupiers can finally throw that chair through a Walmart window, and you hippies can then run in and grab some things, just as long as they weren’t made in China. I’m kidding. I don’t care where they were made.

These Evangelicals can pray for their enemies while the Jews write a letter to the editor of some newspaper or to these Senators from Alabama. You can be pen-pals for all I care. And then the Hindus can get everyone to do a sit-in in front of a Walmart. You can all be there peacefully protesting. That’s much better.”

“What about us?”

“Oh, sorry, forgot about you kids heading to Yemen. Well, everyone else is going to be lined up sitting peacefully protesting. Care to join them?”

“Only if we can cut off their heads in the name of Allah.”

“Meeting adjourned!”

Scott JohnstonScott Johnston – NEWSslinger Contributor A longtime television Sports Producer/Writer, Scott Johnston is turning his attention away from baseball, football, and tennis and  towards his favorite other sport: politics. A husband and father of two, Scott lives just north of Boston in the very blue state of  Massachusetts. He writes about things other than politics in his blog . Originally from Southern California, Scott and his family moved to the Northeast almost 10 years ago and enjoy it very much, other than the winters and the politicians, both of which he finds cold, long (-winded), and hard to take.